Using ACT for Tough Life Decisions
Have you ever been stuck between two good options or two bad ones? Maybe you're debating staying in a stable job vs. taking a leap. Or wondering whether to end a relationship that’s “fine” but not fulfilling. Or staring at an opportunity you know could change everything, if only you could make yourself choose.
If you’ve tried pros/cons lists, overthought it to death, and polled everyone you know, and still feel stuck, that’s OK. You’re experiencing something ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) understands really well: decision paralysis isn’t usually about lacking information. It’s about fearing experiencing something tough like regret.
ACT can help with tough decisions not by trying to guarantee a perfect outcome, but instead, by helping you move from fear-based thinking to values-based choosing. In other words: ACT separates what matters long-term for your life from what just feels uncomfortable right now or that you might anticipate feeling uncomfortable.
Why Decision Making Feels So Hard
Often someone will think decision-making is hard because they don’t have enough information. While that may be somewhat true, likely you’ve done lots of thinking and research about the possibilities. What may be harder to pin down are the emotions and thoughts you might experience by making a choice, your internal experience:
What if I regret this?
What if I fail?
What if I disappoint people?
What if I’m not cut out for it?
Instead of viewing this as a logic problem, it can help to view it as a feelings/thoughts problem.
Your nervous system doesn’t react to things like how satisfied you are with your career over the next 10 years. It cares about avoiding discomfort. So even if one option deeply aligns with your long-term values, your brain might still drag you toward whatever feels familiar, safe, or controllable. The avoidance factor can lead to indecision, ambivalence, etc.
This is why you can’t think your way out of indecision. At some point, your pros/cons list becomes a fear/values list in disguise, something that ACT can help you work with so that you can move forward.
ACT and Values-Based Choices
ACT isn’t about getting rid of doubtful thoughts or rewiring your brain into certainty. ACT assumes that fear and doubt aren’t going anywhere. You don’t need to get rid of anxiety before making a decision, but you do need to stop letting fear make your decisions for you.
Instead of asking: “What’s the safest choice?”, ACT asks: “Which option moves me closer to my values, even if it’s uncomfortable?”
Values aren’t the same as goals. Goals are finite, achievable accomplishments. Values are the direction you want to go with your life. Values can include things like:
Growth
Honesty
Adventure
Stability
Creativity
Family
Values feel different than feelings and thoughts. You could notice anxiety about making a choice or a belief that you will be viewed as a failure if you don’t succeed. And yet you could have a value around growth that matters more than this. We all make decisions that are the right ones even though they may be really uncomfortable.
When you use your values to frame your choices you’re not choosing specific outcomes, you’re choosing the kind of person you want to be in the process.
Clarifying Your Values (Even If You’re Not Sure What They Are)
Before making a big decision, it helps to get clear on what matters to you. Values tend to trend over a lifetime: what matters to you now will matter throughout your life. An easy and quick way to get clear on your values is to imagine your life five years from now. If you could then look back and say, “I’m proud of how I handled that decision.” or “I feel good about where my life is headed” What qualities would make that true?
This can be a powerful exercise, one where you notice what really matters.
A Step-by-Step ACT Decision Exercise
Try this with a real decision you’re facing.
Name your choices clearly.
Don’t just frame it as “stay where I am vs. change my life.” Be specific about each of the choices in front of you. “I can do this or I can do that.”
Write down concerns, thoughts, beliefs about each option.
These are emotional predictions, not logical ones. E.g. “If I take the new job, I could fail.” “If I stay, I might resent it forever.”
Label thoughts and feelings as internal experiences, not facts.
ACT doesn’t challenge your internal experience - it works to create some space between you and what you’re experiencing. E.g., instead of “I’ll fail,” try saying: “I’m having the thought that I’ll fail.”
Just saying this can create some space to stop reacting as if the thought is destiny.
List the values each option honors.
Values are not the same as potential outcomes. Focus on the qualities of living you’ll move toward if you make this choice.
Ask: “Which discomfort am I willing to accept in service of what matters?”
An important principle of ACT is that there is no life without some pain. There is no choice without some discomfort. ACT reframes decisions from: “Which path feels safest?” to “Which discomfort feels worth it? Which thoughts/feelings/experiences am I willing to have to move toward the life that I want?”
Commit to a Direction, Not a Perfect Outcome.
An ACT decision is not a contract with the future. It’s a vote for your values. You are choosing to live the kind of life that you want, and you know that there will be discomfort along the way. Even if you don’t achieve the outcome that you were expecting, you will know that you were moving toward your values.
Example: Choosing with Clarity (Career vs. Passion)
Let’s say you’re stuck between:
Option A: Stay in your current job. It’s stable. It’s fine. It pays well. But it drains you.
Option B: Pursue your passion. It’s exciting. It’s risky. But there are no guarantees.
Start to write down your fears, beliefs, etc. about each choice. Also write down which values you move toward with each choice.
Option A: I will feel exhausted. I will move toward my value of stability.
Option B: This might feel very scary. I will move toward my value of growth.
From here, ACT would suggest that the next question is: “Which regret would be harder to live with?”, i.e. which value feels more important to move toward? Staying somewhere safe and possibly feeling the pain of burnout or experiencing growth and possibly feeling the experience of failure or the unknown?
Neither is painless. But one is aligned with how you want to live your life.
How to Trust Your Choices More (Even When Fear Sticks Around)
If you’re waiting for certainty, you’ll be waiting forever. People who make bold decisions don’t have less fear, they just have a different relationship with it.
Here’s how ACT can help with living with what comes up with choices that align with your values:
Treat every decision as a direction, not a life sentence.
You’re choosing where to lean, not carving your fate in stone. A decision can feel scary but can also feel like it’s moving you in the right direction.
Let fear walk beside you, not behind the wheel.
You don’t have to silence doubt. Just don’t let it drive. Learning to create space between you and your thoughts can help you work with them and not be hijacked by them.
Track actions, not outcomes.
“Did I stay true to my values today?” is a better question than “Did I make the right choice?” or “Was today easy?”
Progress feels like anxiety until it feels like relief.
Most people mistake nervousness for danger. What if it’s growth?
What’s Your Next Decision Asking of You?
If you’re facing a tough call right now, don’t ask, “What’s the right decision?” Ask: “What kind of person do I want to be while making it?”
Using ACT isn’t about guaranteeing the “right” choice, it’s about making a choice that reflects the life you want. By shifting the conversation from “Which outcome feels safest?” to “Which path is most meaningful?” you give yourself permission to move forward even when things feel uncertain or scary. ACT helps you accept the fear or doubt as part of the process, but not the boss of it. In doing so, it invites a sense of clarity and purpose into even the hardest decisions and allows you to trust that you’re choosing not just for comfort, but for the life you truly want.