Want to struggle less with anxiety? Try practicing some acceptance.
Image of an individual walking a labyrinth on a cliff overlooking the ocean. Photo by Ashley Batz on Unsplash
Anxiety means different things to different people.
For some it is constant worry about the future, thinking about all the possible things that can go wrong. For others, it is a physical experience - a feeling of dread or overwhelm or even panic that shows up in the body. Anxiety can also have a focus like social situations, flying in a plane, spiders, and covid. Regardless of how you might experience anxiety, consider the ways you’ve tried to stop it, get rid of it, or wish it would just go away.
It is impossible to avoid the pain of anxiety. Life will continue to throw stuff at us that will make us feel uneasy, fearful or worried. But the good news is that there are ways to reduce the struggle around anxiety. And when we struggle less with anxiety, we can shift our focus to how we want to live our lives.
In this six part series I’m going to discuss how the principles of ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) can help you reduce the struggle with anxiety and move you toward a more meaningful life. In this post, I’ll be discussing the concept of being willing and creating acceptance around the experience of anxiety.
The opposite of acceptance
When we experience the pain of anxiety, it is human nature to move away from it. We don’t want to experience it. So we do what we can to not accept it.
There are a couple of directions that move away from acceptance. The first is avoidance. We avoid lots of things to not feel anxious - people, places, things we have committed to doing, etc. We can also work to avoid internal experiences like our feelings or painful thoughts. Numbing with substances, social media or food are ways we can avoid something that feels painful.
Another way of moving away from acceptance is by attempting to control our thoughts, feelings, other people, etc. to not experience anxiety. Many people who struggle with anxiety wish they could stop worrying all the time or try to control others so that they feel less uncomfortable. Someone living with obsessive thoughts might use compulsive behaviors to try and keep the painful thoughts away. Unfortunately most of the time trying to maintain some control doesn’t work. The thoughts, feelings, and other experiences of anxiety show back up.
All of this avoiding and controlling is a lot of work and has a cost. When we put our time and attention into not having something we don’t want like anxious thoughts or feelings or trying to control something so we don’t feel anxious, we suffer. We suffer because often the very anxiety we are trying to get away from intensifies and we also suffer because our time is spent struggling rather than living our life.
An example of how this plays out can be seen with social anxiety. Most people with social anxiety want connection. Relationships are meaningful to them. However, when someone who struggles with social anxiety avoids or tries to control social situations because they feel anxious they often end up feeling isolated and lonely. They work to avoid the pain of an uncomfortable social situation but they experience more pain as they feel less connected to others.
What is acceptance?
Let me start with what it isn’t. Acceptance isn’t resignation. It isn’t about just giving up and taking things as they are. Acceptance is also not the same as tolerance. There’s a subtle difference there - tolerance is about “putting up with” something. In some ways it is like resignation. Putting up with anxiety isn’t acceptance.
Acceptance is about creating space for all of your experiences and a willingness to have all of it. Acceptance means making a choice to experience anxiety in whatever form it shows up - thoughts, feelings, memories, etc. as you do what matters to you.
Think of something that is really meaningful to you, something you really want. As an example, maybe you want to run a marathon. Preparing for a marathon is hard, running a marathon is hard. The moment you make the decision to do it, you make the decision to accept all of it, the physical experience of running a marathon, the challenging thoughts and feelings that will likely come up as you prepare - all of it. And you are willing to accept all of it because this is something really meaningful to you. You accept the whole experience because it makes your life rich and vital. This works in other areas of life beyond marathons - you can choose to willingly have some discomfort to do what matters.
What would you be willing to have to get the life you want?
Willingness isn’t like turning on and off a switch. It is pretty hard to just become completely willing in an instant. Instead, willingness is often a series of small choices made in the present moment. We create some space to be accepting of what is in front of us in small ways. If we are anxious in social situations we might not be willing to go to a big party where we don’t know anyone, but we might be willing to go to a small dinner with friends. We can choose this and be willing to have whatever experience comes up as we move toward what feels meaningful to us. While it really isn’t possible to be “partially” willing you can choose what you are willing to have.
How can you do this? What are practical ways to try this out?
Start small. Think of something that feels like a struggle. What would you be willing to have, or what would you be willing to let go of control over, if it meant that your life would move in the direction that you want? You can always add more and expand this later. Now, take a breath. Notice what you’re feeling and thinking, notice sensations in your body. Take another breath. Look at the choice in front of you and commit to something. Commit to something that moves you toward the life that you want, even if it means being willing to have some uncomfortable stuff. Commit to creating space for the discomfort you are feeling and the action that feels meaningful.
In part two of this series on using the principles of ACT for anxiety, I’ll be discussing how learning how to relate to your thoughts differently can help reduce your struggle with anxiety.