Some Thoughts About Shame

Image of person sitting next to a lake with mountains behind. Photo by Guillaume de Germain on Unsplash

Much of my work with clients is around emotions. Learning how to have and accept them, struggle less with them when they are challenging, and understand their function. I wrote before about how emotions often can be seen as signals and I think that’s a useful tool. No emotions are bad - they function to protect us, signal what’s going on around us, and help us stay safe and choose what’s important. You can read more about this here.

If emotions are neither bad or good but signals of what might be going on inside of us and around us, then I think shame needs to get a little more attention. Why? Because in my work I often see where shame is signaling something that isn’t based on what’s actually going on. I see a lot of people struggling with a lot of shame, except the shame is toxic. It’s not helping and, interestingly, it’s not earned. 

What is shame?

Shame is a basic human emotion and it serves an important evolutionary purpose. Start with a basic premise - we are social animals and we need each other to survive. When we cooperate with others we all benefit. 

So what happens when we don’t cooperate with others? Or when we take actions that harm others? We feel shame. Shame is an emotion that signals that we have done something wrong to someone else. It prompts us to take action: to apologize, seek forgiveness, make amends. 

When is shame healthy?

Shame is a healthy emotion when it prompts action to repair relationships and help others heal because of our actions. You do something that hurts someone, you feel shame about it, you make amends. Shame is the signal that motivates you to take action. 

When isn’t shame healthy?

Here’s where shame becomes problematic (sometimes called toxic shame). Perhaps you feel shame. You get curious around why you’re feeling this way and as you explore it further you realize that it’s not about something you did - you didn’t actually do anything wrong to anyone. It’s about you. You feel shame about yourself. There is something wrong with you.

Notice the difference? You can make a big mistake and hurt someone. Feeling shame about your actions is a natural response and can lead to repair. Feeling shame about yourself is different. Think about what often happens when you’ve felt bad about yourself. You hide or withdraw. You don’t engage in actions that are meaningful. Here’s an example:

John goes to a friend’s dinner party. John drinks too much. John is a mean drunk and he mouths off. He insults a friend and embarrases the host. 

John wakes up the next morning and feels shame. In this instance, shame is healthy if it prompts John to apologize to his friends and make amends. It is also healthy if it prompts some thought and action around changing his drinking behaviors so this doesn’t happen again. 

However, John also feels shame about himself - he believes he is a bad person and not deserving of friendship. There is something wrong with him, so he withdraws. Even though he made amends and received another dinner party invitation he declines and stays home because he feels shame. He becomes isolated and feels powerless. He stops engaging with people because clearly he is defective. 

What’s interesting here is that shame has actually turned into something unhealthy. Rather than prompting action that will repair relationships, it pulls John away from relationships. 

What you can do about shame?

Learning to be curious about why you are feeling an emotion such as shame can be very powerful and helpful. If you notice yourself feeling shame, get curious as to why you are feeling this way. Have you harmed someone? If so, what do you need to do to make it right? If, however, you notice the shame points to how you view yourself, then get more curious. Why are you feeling this way? Is it helpful? 

If you do find your shame pointing at who you are rather than what you did, see if you can cultivate a little self-compassion. Here are some thoughts on how to handle shame that isn’t helpful.

Shame is a useful emotion that serves an evolutionary purpose - it helps us repair relationships and heal harm we’ve caused. But it isn’t helpful if it frames us as defective. Learning to differentiate what shame is signaling can be a helpful tool and keep us engaged in life.