You can’t get rid of anxiety but you can learn how to live with it.
Image of a garden walkway with an arbor overhead.
I have experienced anxiety my whole life and probably always will. This is how I work with it.
I’m a therapist who specializes in helping people who struggle with anxiety. And, I am a therapist who lives with anxiety myself. I always have. Anxiety takes on different forms for different people. Some people experience it as a non-stop train of scary thoughts, others as a vague feeling of vigilance and dread that never quite goes away. Regardless of how one experiences anxiety the most common question I get from people who experience it is:
“How do I get rid of this?”
Many of my clients have struggled for years to stop thinking anxious thoughts or push away the uncomfortable feelings associated with anxiety. I hear this all the time and I get it. But it’s not possible.
You can’t just get rid of anxiety. You already know from experience that you can’t make your mind stop thinking a thought. It will keep delivering them to you - some will be helpful and some will be distressing. Similarly, you can’t prevent yourself from feeling something or a memory from showing up or a body sensation from happening. While feelings are helpful as signals to effectively respond to what’s going on in your environment, with anxiety it can often feel like you’re getting signaled too often. I often liken it to an overly sensitive sensor in your car. The check engine light keeps appearing even though you know the car is fine.
How to relate to anxiety differently.
So what hope is there, then? You can develop the ability to relate differently to anxiety when it shows up. It is possible to develop new ways to engage with anxious thoughts, memories, feelings, body sensations and urges.
What follows are ways that I work with my own anxiety and that I support clients so that they can work with their anxiety more effectively.
Notice anxiety when it happens and create some space for it.
While you can’t stop a thought from happening you can sharpen and strengthen your ability to notice the thought. You can start noticing how often you get hijacked by thoughts. The great thing is that the moment you notice a thought it often loses some of its power.
You can build capacity to become an observer of your thoughts. It is possible to begin viewing your thoughts as experiences that come and go but that you don’t have to engage with, like watching cars pass you on a street.
As you build the capacity to be mindful and notice you also build the capacity to see these experiences, thoughts, feelings, etc., as something separate from the “you” that notices. You can experience that there is the “you” that can notice all of these anxious thoughts and feelings but not be effected by them. This is powerful - you can begin to relate to anxiety as something separate from you. It’s something you experience but it isn’t everything and it doesn’t define you.
Move back into the present and take actions based in your values.
All the time spent struggling is time not living your life. The moment your attention goes to the uncomfortable anxious feeling or thought your attention has now moved out of what is happening in the present moment. That’s human nature and it happens to all of us, but the practice of moving back into the present moment helps reduce the struggle with anxiety and allows you to consider what you’d rather be doing with your time.
With practice it is entirely possible to notice yourself struggling with anxiety and come back to the present. You might notice that things aren’t so bad in the present. Or you might realize that you have resources to help you cope. You might even notice something in the present moment that is meaningful to you and that you’d rather pay attention to than the anxiety you’re experiencing.
See yourself as someone who has anxiety and not as an anxious person.
This one is about changing how you see yourself. We often apply labels to ourselves that can be really helpful. If someone labels themself a baseball fan, it is likely that you can predict the kinds of behaviors they engage in. This person is likely to go to baseball games, read up on baseball stats, and maybe play baseball when they can. But some labels are limiting. Consider the label “I’m an anxious person.” You can start to imagine the kind of life that you might lead with that label. “I can't do this because I’m an anxious person.” “My life is very hard because I’m an anxious person.” “Because I’m an anxious person, I’ve never been able to live the life that I want.”
Now what if, instead, you viewed your life as something where anxiety comes and goes but doesn’t define your identity? What would your life look like then? You would be someone who lives their life and sometimes experiences anxiety while they are busy doing all the cool things that are important to them. Consider what this sounds like: “I am living the life that I want. Sometimes I feel anxious and sometimes I don’t.” Notice that you might still feel the same amount of anxiety, but your life would be defined by how you lived it, rather than by anxiety.
Be compassionate with yourself, create some space, and attend to your anxiety.
How can you relate to anxiety as something that isn’t fun and may be uncomfortable but that isn’t something you have to struggle with? By creating ways to be compassionate with yourself when you’re feeling it rather than struggle with it. This is about soothing your nervous system, noticing anxiety when it comes up, and taking care of yourself in the moment. With practice you can drop the struggle and take care of the strong feelings you’re experiencing.
Practice boring self-care.
I can’t take credit for this one but I think it is spot-on. Hannah Daisy, an artist and mental health advocate, coined this phrase that I think is so important. Self-care is a component of relating to anxiety differently and boring self-care is really important.
While going to a spa, treating yourself to a nice dinner or buying some really nice shoes are great things and can all be examples of self care, boring self-care is just as important. Boring self-care is about the daily routines that help build a foundation for mental health. Here are some examples:
making your bed
taking a walk
paying your bills on time
getting exercise
taking a few minutes to practice meditation
calling a friend
Identifying what routines and what actions keep you in the best mental and physical state are key components of self-care. While engaging in these activities won’t magically make your anxiety go away, they foster a sense of control and groundedness that can help when life gets stressful or when anxiety shows up. They can also make it easier to recover when you do notice yourself feeling anxious.
You can’t make anxiety go away but you can live with it.
All of the suggestions above are simply ways to start relating to your anxiety differently. While nobody, myself included, likes to feel anxious, it is possible to notice it and struggle less with it. And, when you struggle less, you can focus more on the things that really matter in your life.