IFS for Everyday Triggers: Meeting Your Parts with Compassion
We all have moments when we get stuck: procrastinating on a project, chewing on the same thought over and over, or listening to a self-critical voice in our head beat us up. These experiences can be a real struggle and often they’re signs that different parts of us are trying (often clumsily) to protect us.
That’s where Internal Family Systems (IFS) comes in. IFS is a therapy model, but it’s also a powerful way to understand yourself in daily life. Instead of pushing away difficult feelings, you can learn to meet them with curiosity and compassion.
What Is Internal Family Systems (IFS)?
IFS is based on the concept that our minds aren’t a single, unified voice. Instead, we have “parts”. While this may seem unfamiliar consider when you are “of two minds about something.” A part of you may feel one way while another part of you may feel very differently.
Parts can play different roles:
Some carry pain or fear that is often based in past experiences. An example is a part that always feels anxious, even when things are OK.
Some try to protect us from that pain. Examples include parts that protect through perfectionism, procrastination, anger, or overthinking. These parts will do whatever it takes to not feel bad.
And underneath all of it, we each have a core Self, the calm, compassionate, wise observer who is not a part and is capable of healing.
IFS isn’t about getting rid of parts. It’s about building a relationship with them, so they don’t have to take over your life.
One way to think about this: your parts are like a team of employees. Some are overworked, some are misunderstood, and some just want to be heard. When you, as the leader of the team show up with calm and curiosity instead of judgment, the whole system runs more smoothly.
Common everyday struggles that IFS can help with
We all have experiences that throw us off balance, times where we struggle instead of engaging in life. In IFS terms, these are moments when a part jumps in to protect us. Some examples:
Procrastination
You sit down to answer that email you’ve been putting off, but suddenly you’re reorganizing your desk or scrolling on your phone.
In IFS, procrastination isn’t about laziness. It’s often a protector part that’s afraid of failure, criticism, or overwhelm. Its strategy is to delay the task at hand to protect you from those feelings. Anything is better than feeling this way.
One way to work with this is to notice the procrastination happening and rather than forcing yourself to reenage in the work, consider that a part might be protecting you from something. You can take a moment and ask yourself: “What is this part trying to protect me from?”
Self-Criticism
You may actually be a success. You may actually be doing things well or as good as you can. Yet, inside is that voice that says, “You’re not good enough. You’ll never get this right.”
This self-critical part may sound harsh, but it often believes it’s keeping you safe. If you work harder, avoid mistakes, or stay ahead of judgment from others then you won’t feel bad about yourself or feel like a failure.
When you notice this kind of self-criticism, consider this part of you and try to connect with it and understand it’s concerns. For example: “I see you (self-critical part). I see that you are trying to protect me and I thank you for that. Let’s slow down and talk. What are you concerned about?”
Overthinking
You may often find yourself chewing on your thoughts. You notice yourself replaying a conversation in your head for hours or spiraling through worst-case scenarios before bed.
An overthinking part is usually trying to anticipate danger or resolve something that still feels painful. It believes that if it can analyze every angle or come up with a better response, it can prevent bad outcomes. Of course, the side effect is exhaustion and stress.
One way to work with an overthinking part is not to try to convince it or change its mind but instead to connect with it and understand its fears. Instead of battling the thought process in your head, acknowledge the part is trying to make things safe and then ask the part about its concerns: what is so scary and what does it need to feel safer?
Meeting Your Parts with Compassion
You can reduce struggle when you can shift from judgment “Why am I like this?” to compassion “This part must be working really hard.” Rather than trying to get rid of or shutdown a part, you can connect with it.
Here is a simple way to practice this:
Notice the part that’s activated (the part that wants to procrastinate, the part that is self-critical, the part that is an overthinker, etc.).
Create some space between you and the part. Instead of saying “I am procrastinating,” try “A part of me is procrastinating.”
Get curious. Ask: “What does this part want for me? What is it afraid would happen if it stopped doing this job?”
Respond with compassion. Even if the strategy is unhelpful, the intention is protective. See what it’s like to understand this and let the part know you get it.
When parts feel seen and understood, they often relax. That creates space for your core Self, the calm, steady center of you, to step in.
IFS practices to try
While therapy can be a great place to work with your parts, especially parts that can be overwhelming or hard to connect to, you don’t have to be in therapy to explore some IFS practices. Here are a few ways you can work with your parts.
Create a parts journal
At the end of the day, jot down one moment you noticed a part take over (procrastinating, criticizing, overthinking, etc). Write a few lines about what that part might have been protecting you from. You can also journal from the part. Allow the part to speak in your journaling to find out what it has to say, its concerns, etc.
Over time, you’ll start to see patterns of how your parts show up and what they might be fearing or protecting you from. You can also gain insight into what your system needs.
The hand-on-heart pause
When you feel triggered, place your hand on your chest and say quietly, “I see you (part). I know you’re working hard.”
This physical expression signals safety to the nervous system and helps the part feel acknowledged. Consider how you might show up for someone who was distressed, you can do the same for your part.
Ask, don’t push
Next time you catch yourself procrastinating, instead of forcing yourself forward, notice what parts are showing up and ask: “What are you concerned about?” Even if no answer comes right away, the act of asking builds a relationship with the part.
Visualize a meeting place
Imagine all your parts sitting in a safe, comfortable room. It can be a living room or a conference room, whatever makes sense to you. Picture yourself as the compassionate leader. What would you say to reassure them? What would they want you to hear? When parts feel heard and seen they often calm down.
Invite self-energy
Self-energy is an IFS concept to describe when we are calm, compassionate and have clarity about what’s going on. You can cultivate self-energy. Take a few slow breaths and ask yourself: “Can I bring curiosity to this moment?” That simple question often invites your core Self to step forward and can create some space, allowing you to work with the part that is triggered.
Internal struggles like self-criticism or overthinking happen to everyone. They mean you have parts doing their best to protect you. By meeting them with compassion, instead of shame or force, you create more space, choice, and calm. Ultimately IFS techniques can help you lead your inner system not with judgment, but with kindness.